Mace v.1.3.10

Ugh. First of all, there was an ant in the bed last night. I threw him out before I went to sleep, but I didn’t sleep well, as I was convinced there was an ant in the bed.

I had two dreams this morning. Unfortunately, they were both long, and I only remember the last, bizarre moments of them.

First, I couldn’t find Jesse, in our own house. I finally found him in my bedroom, naked, with Carly, also naked, sprawled out and half asleep on my bed, in post coital bliss. I was doubly mad, because evidently earlier in the dream I had made Jesse promise that he wouldn’t sleep with her. I woke up at four thirty in the morning, half between wanting to sob and be held by Jesse and wanting to beat the crap out of him. Luckily I took a moment, remembered it was a dream, and realized it’s not nice to beat up you significant other over something they didn’t even do. Still, it took me about half an hour to get back to sleep.

Second, in the dream it’s Halloween, and Katie, Mom, Jesse, Kurt, Eric, Jeremy, Carly and I have been running around, being mischievous. In the part I can remember, I’ve been “kidnapped” by the Professor*, but really we’re just sitting around his living room talking, letting the others believe he snatched me. When they show up, I hide in the corner, just to see what would happen. There was a knocking on the door, and I look out the window I’m next to and I can see someone crawling along the ground. It’s pretty dark, so all I can see is the off-white sweater** that someone is wearing. For fun, I run out into the backyard, which is lit, and that’s where everyone is. There’s this really strange noise, like chung chung chung chung***, and as it gets closer it sounds more like a Big Wheel being ridden over a sidewalk, with the “chungs” when the wheels hit the lines in the pavement****. I never see the rider, but the noise stops and my mother walks into the backyard with a large bag of Pillsbury products. My sister and mother start extolling the wonders of these products, which evidently make biscuits appropriate for sandwiches. Katie shows me her packaging, and I start to laugh because the biscuits are an inch, maybe an inch and a half in diameter, and the packaging shows it with a slice of cheese that must be at least three inches a side. It looks ridiculous. Mom’s are ginger flavored, which is even more gross because who wants a sandwich made with ginger biscuits? I woke up plenty confused.

* The Professor is an elderly guy we saw at a bar last night, who kind of looked like an evil genius or a math teacher. Kurt was convinced that he was writing down formulas and tried to get me to stand near him and see what he was doing. I refused.
** It totally looks like the sweater one sometimes sees Dr. Funke don on Arrested Development. Oh yeah, you know the one.
*** After writing this out, I realized that my noise description is terrible, so I edited it. However, I left the chung chung chung part in because it’s funny and it reminds me of Law & Order. The sound in my dream didn’t sound anything like that.
**** It turns out later this noise is sleeping Jesse breathing in my ear.

So I signed up for this online workout program, and I’ve been trying it with varied enthusiasm. I’m very good at finding excuses. Every week there is a reading assignment, and a writing assignment, to get a better look at your lifestyle and how it affects your weight. This week, I’ve decided to post it on my weblog and share with everyone what I like and don’t like about myself physically. This could be really interesting or really boring. I have no idea, really.

From the website:
“This is where I am today. This represents my life. I could be better. I could be worse.”
Starting from the top of your head, I want you to notice each feature of your face: forehead, eyes, nose, mouth, and chin– every detail. Then move to your neck, shoulders, torso, and lower body. Make a mental note of those things that you particularly like about yourself…and those things you don’t like. Differentiate between those you can change and those you cannot. Understand that the things you cannot change serve a purpose in your life. Things you can change are both challenges and opportunities. Throughout this exercise, keep in mind that the image you see in the mirror reflects not only how you treat yourself-for example, what you eat and how much you exercise-but also all the choices you have made to create your life.

This is Mace:

I really have no qualms about my forehead, especially since the new bangs cover most of it. I’ve always liked the shape of my eyes – they’re a little small, but I cannot change that, that’s genetics. There are makeup tips to make your eyes look larger, but it’s not that important to me. I’d rather focus on the shape. I also love my nose. I thought I got it from my mother’s side, but since all four Mamlok daughters have the same nose, I suppose it’s from my father’s. It’s definitely a button nose. I was once told that I didn’t have a chin. In fact, Nick Ohanian used to tease me all the time in high school about my chin-lacking. I proved him wrong when I weighed my heaviest, since then I had more than one chin. I worry about what my chin may look like in the future if I don’t loose weight. I’m no fan of the waddle. I have a very prominent jaw line. It’s part of my big square head, as I like to refer to it. I bemoan it often – I think it makes me look larger than I am. I have a hard time choosing hairstyles that don’t accentuate the squareness. But lately I’ve realized that it makes me look unique. There aren’t a lot of other girls out there with big square heads. And again, it’s nothing I can change without going under the knife. And who wants to do that? Shudder.

I only notice and think about my neck in dance class. We’re constantly being told to keep our shoulders down, to lengthen our necks. I think after years of that, I’m pretty good at keeping my neck long, and therefore it comes out graceful. I like my shoulders and arms, too. I started lifting weights, and I saw an almost immediate improvement there, though not so much in other areas. Like most women, I worry about the area under my arm – but I also figure I have at least fifteen years before it gets truly worrisome. My back is also a feature I like. I should show it off more.

Everyone knows I have great breasts.

Sigh. We’re getting into harder territory now. I love a slight pooch on a girl, but mine is a little too poochy. It’s hard for me to wear dresses, or find pants that fit right. The ratio of waist (just right) to tummy and hips is so skewed that it’s virtually impossible for me to find a pair of pants that doesn’t make me self-conscious. At least, as I loose weight, the pooch is shrinking and so are the hips. I should also add that I LOVE having hips. When I was young, I was thin, but I was built like a boy. I’m much happier now, being curvy, than I ever was then. Due to some growth spurts and yo-yo weight, my hips and upper thighs are covered in a light web of stretch marks. I hate them, but there’s not much I can do about it. I notice that they’re less noticeable when tanned, but really, how often does anyone get to see my hips exposed anyway? My butt is large, but well shaped. I’m hoping some of that stays if I loose more weight. I can’t stand a skinny girl with no ass.

My legs are a little thick. This is another thing I’d like to improve, which can improve with effort. My feet? Well, I’m not foot model, but I can walk around in flip-flops without a thought.

I think that’s it. Reading over what I just wrote, it seems that I like most of the stuff that I can’t change, and dislike between my belly button and knees. But as I continue to work and loose more weight, these problems shouldn’t be so bad. Wow. This is totally cheesy, but I do feel better about myself, and I do feel motivated to keep moving. I think I’ll go take a walk!

Welcome!
I’ve started another probably ill-fated blog on the internet! Sadly, my last two tries fell by the wayside, and since only two people read it, I’m not surprised. I’m not expecting too much here, either. But at least it’s free.

I’m playing hooky from work, mostly because I woke up, but could not for the life of me get out of bed. Usually this feeling comes with heavy dread and light depression, but this morning it was simply a complete lack of phyicaly energy. I have little to do at work - that certainly doesn’t help.

I’ve spent the last five years at my job asking for more work to do. I find that the day goes by a lot faster, and I enjoy the day more when I’m busy. I like doing special projects. I like doing research work (though I would never want to join my company’s R&D department*). Frankly, I’m just no good at doing nothing.

The downside of asking for work, however, is you get stuck with the shit. Things that have been festering on desks, put off and put off, until someone dumb like me wanders in and then it’s stinking up MY hands. This tactic has also given me the reputation of a kiss-ass, since all my superiors love me for taking their shit off their desks. I’ve been thinking of my own independent projects for the last year or so, but now, in the new building, with products I don’t know very well, it’s been difficult.

I don’t want to label all the drawers! I don’t want to help the inventory guys in the walk-in freezer. I’m sick to death of cleaning up after other people!

Sigh. I need a new job. Of course, I’ve been saying that for four years, and look where I am.
What’s an idiot to do?

* The second floor of our first building is like a tomb. It’s near dead silent, the only sounds the clacking of keyboards. A (now-former) chemist once got written up for talking too much. It’s bizarre and scary, especially compared to the production department, where I work, where you can’t get people to shut up.